No more 'same old same old'

Mary Sullivan

Recently I met a woman with whom I had a long conversation. Throughout that conversation she complained about her sister, to the exclusion of all other topics. This is a woman who is in her late fifties and her sister a year or two younger. What I heard was a case of sibling rivalry so enduring it shocked me. What I also heard was a relationship that hadn't changed since they were children. In more than five decades, these women had not changed one iota of their relationship. In this one area, they had failed to change, to grow and to forge a newer, more mature bond. I wondered why. What did they each have to gain in maintaining the same old conflicts?

I found myself thanking the grit and desire in my own sisters and I that we had managed to create mature, loving bonds.

As writers, we can't allow our characters to continue living in the 'same old same old' way or we wouldn't have a story. Story is about motion and movement forward. If we don't forge a significant character arc in our hero and heroine, aided by the chemistry of conflict and burgeoning love they experience with each other, then we haven't written much of a story.

The problem we can face is one of balance. How do we give our characters those flaws that need to be acknowledged, accepted and worked on without them being unlikable at the beginning of the novel? We are charged with the task of making them sympathetic while being flawed enough to have a character arc that is satisfying for the reader. Most often, I create these flaws as a result of something that happened in the protagonist's childhood. They can be deep-rooted and intractable and frustrating, but ultimately must make sense.

As well, the characters need redeeming qualities that make up for theirs flaws, that let readers know that there is someone here worth caring for, that give readers hope that this person is WORTH rooting for and CAN change. In my own writing, that will often involve a relationship with a child. I love writing about children and, I think, some people enjoy reading about them. How bad can a character really be if s/he loves children?

We brew an alchemy of conflict, hope, dark moments of despair followed by redemption and love. I believe that, in any book we read, we look for insights into human nature.

Wouldn't it be great if we could create those happy endings in real life? If we could change and direct those around us toward a happy ending? That isn't in an author's power, though, and what most of us fail to realize in our daily lives is that it is within our OWN power to change OURselves and, quite possibly, those relationships that most fill our lives with unhappiness. These old paradigms only endure if BOTH parties have a vested interest in maintaining the status quo of the relationship. On the other hand, it takes only ONE party to change in order for the relationship to change. The other party can continue to harangue, insult, and fight to maintain that unhealthy equilibrium that feeds some deep-seated need, but if one party no longer feeds into that, the relationship has changed.

Who, though, will be the one to take the first step? I heard nothing to indicate that it would be this woman with whom I had that long conversation. Having met her sister, I knew it wouldn't be her, either. So frustrating.

I will see this woman again. When I do, I won't allow her to shape our conversation in the same way. I don't listen to complaints more than once if the person is not willing to look at ways to change the situation for the better. Rather than hear the 'same old same old' I would prefer to hear about hope and change. I would rather shape my own characters who, though they might be terrified of change, choose it anyway.