It seems like it wasn't all that long ago that I was volunteering up at the elementary school, packing my kids' school lunches, helping with math homework, and car pooling kids to dance, basketball, birthday parties and sleepovers. Wasn't it yesterday that I was shopping for prom dresses with my daughter and listening to her latest boy crisis? And how the heck is it that my son is suddenly six feet tall?My daughter's birthday was yesterday, and as I sat across from her at the restaurant we went to for lunch, I was stunned by her maturity. She graduates from college next spring and is heavy into many of her major classes. Listening to her talk about what she's learning had me nearly speechless. She's so smart, poised, and level-headed. So smart, charming, and enthusiastic. Did I say smart?
Then there's my son. Taking his ACT tests. Driving safely through the worst winter of ice and snow I remember in decades. Gone all the time. Talking to girls, even. Sheesh. Over twenty years of mothering and suddenly I'm facing an empty nest.
Used to be people talked about the adjustment of being empty nesters and I'd think, "Bring it on, baby!" But as the Friday and Saturday nights get more and more quiet in the Brenna house, I've started worrying for the first time about that inevitable empty nest.
We'll have a trial run this summer when my daughter goes all the way to Sydney Australia for a working internship. Wah! My baby's all grown up and going to Australia! A year and a half from now my son will be off to college. What am I going to do when both my kids are gone?
Oh, there's a part of me that's definitely looking forward to some extra time to get to all those household chores that have taken the back burner for years, to spend more time with my girlfriends, to write more, but is all that going to be enough?
So tell me, if you're an empty-nester, what was your saving grace? If you're in my boat, are you looking forward to some quiet time, or does it scare the begeebees out of you? If your kids are little, remind me again of how nice a quiet house and a full night's sleep will be! And if you don't have kids, what's your favorite thing about the peace and quiet?
Happy hump day, folks!
Helen
43 comments:
Hi Helen,
We have twins in high school,so our nest will empty abruptly. They are sophomores so I am struggling with feeling calm when they start driving this summer. Not sure I can offer any advice. I'm not dreading the moment exactly but I am surprised at how quickly it's coming.
Quiet time sounds heavenly. I wouldn't mind having the house to myself now & then.
marypres@gmail.com
Great post, Helen. My oldest goes to college this autumn, and my youngest will be home for only another 3 years which I will cherish...but I won't see much of her, will I? Sigh. I am soooo grateful I've been able to be around these past 18 years.
When our youngest left for university, we moved to new jobs in Africa. How did I cope? Outrageous phone bills. I have the kind of kids who have to tell me everything... so they each called to talk for 2 hours on Sunday mornings.
Laura, I can so see how having twins graduate would be an even more abrupt change. Enjoy these last years. It does go so fast. They get their driver's licenses and they're GONE! lol
Marybelle, that is one of the nice things about working from home. I do get the house to myself quite often - if you don't count 2 dogs and 2 cats. There are weekends I can't wait for Monday to roll around!
Geri, you and I are almost in the same boat. I'll never regret the time I've stayed home with the kids, but I do look toward the future with a lot of uncertainty. Good thing I still have another year and a half.
Wow, Linda! You embraced that empty nest with a passion! Good for you. So nice your kids wanted to keep in touch. I don't worry about my daughter keeping in touch. She calls almost every day. But my son? Hmmm. We shall see.
Hi Helen!
Hang in there, "good buddy"!
My "kids" are 25 and 23. They stayed at home while attending/graduating from a local college (with honours). They now work full-time, both bought their 4-year-old cars (at the time) with cash, both have good-sized bank accounts, and both pay us $100/week R&B. They know they couldn't rent a place with high-speed internet, a laundry service, all the food/drink they want, cable, etc. for that kind of money, so they use our place as a home base. They go away every other weekend from Friday night to Sunday night to stay with good friends (they call the parents "aunt" and "uncle" but there's no blood relationship), so my DH and I DO have the place to ourselves quite a bit. Because my DH works various shifts and I work from home, we see each other frequently. One of the best things about our alone time (I'm keeping it clean here, LOL) is that my DH and I can now afford to go out for meals a LOT more often than we did before with the kids. Sure, we talk about them, but most of the time, it is a "date night" for us. Can't have too many of those!
As for doing those chores that get put on the back burner, well ... good luck with that! I don't have the energy I had twenty years ago, so things take longer to do. I DO go out for lunch with various school pals from 30+ years ago, and I DO travel a couple of hours away to visit other pals a few times a year, which I couldn't do when the kids were small.
Today, though, I am spending more time with the older generation, trying to keep my MIL happy at "the home" now that she has Alzheimer's. There are lots of unhappy days for her. One of the things I have more time to do now is put our photos (from the old-fashioned magnetic albums) into scrapbooks - and deleting thousands of duplicate photos in the process. My MIL enjoys looking at the past photos, so this pushes me on to do more and more. I DID create her own scrapbook for her a few years ago, but alas, she can't keep it now because she'll throw it in the garbage or give it to a stranger. Oh, the joys of Alzheimer's....
I guess what I'm trying to say is that priorities/needs change. We slow down, but time marches on.
Never having had any children of my own I envy you all the years you have spent with your children and the years to come that you will spend with grandchildren.
Well, mine are young but in prime years for "going, going, going!" I'm in the car all the time going to baseball, running club, oh, and can you pick me up some popsicle sticks to built my catapult? Yeah. I'm so tired at the end of the day. So, this is me reminding you to enjoy the less-hectic time in your life.
But I do understand. It's coming for me and in ten years I'll be right where you are.
Now I'm off to shower, then write, because today we have baseball practice and the other has a scrimmage. And there is the catapult we have to build. :)
Helen!! Ack. Panicking. Your post made me break out in a sweat.
My son is not 5.7. My baby does not text girls. That deep voice in the kitchen is not my little boy making plans to meet his buddies at the mall. NOT.
Sigh.
I always think I'm going to encounter an age I like best, but I love each new one more. The dude speak, Bieber haircuts, and boundless goofy energy of my early teen, late tween boys keep me smiling.
My baby, who has always been a mix of homebody and social butterfly, was at a middle school dance on Friday night when he sent me this text, "Dude. Dance was fun, but I want to come home. Don't tell anybody, but can U come get me?"
I texted back, "Dude. I'm on my way." And I was.
When he got home, we all watched some reality show about picking the perfect wedding dress. I hugged them both because I knew it was a gift that we were together on the couch on a Friday night.
I'm sure I'm going to love older teens, young adults, and even having grandchildren (!) but like Laura said, this goes by so fast. Back to panicking!
:-)
Hi Laney - I think there are a lot of kids these days who live at home past high school for various reasons. My daughter insists she will not be one of them! She needs her space, I think. My son? Possible. Probably not while he's in college, though. Might end up coming home for a while after he graduates. Although he insists he's moving to the mountains! We shall see.
Good point about caring for our elderly parents. That's coming up for me. My parents are in their eighties, but so far in very good health. I'm sure they're going to need more and more help as time goes on.
Helen, I embrace the motto: I've loved every moment and stage of my children's lives, but I wouldn't go back to any of them.
Watching my daughter and son stretch their wings and fly was thrilling for me. After graduating from high school, my son planned and paid for a sojourn to Bali, where he worked at an ashram for room and board. He had scholarships lined up for college but he felt that seeing the world was an education in and of itself. His other travels included Sweden, Australia, New Zealand, and Europe. My daughter took a completely different route--she joined the Army and jumped out of airplanes. She quickly learned this was not the career path she'd hoped it would be and returned home after her four years in the exotic American south.
I honestly never felt a gaping hole in my life because we remained close even when the kids were far, far away. And, now, they've both returned to our area to raise their children. And, grandchildren, truly are the best!
How will you use your "extra" time? Hmm...writing more great books, I'd guess.
Deb
Hi Ellen (Too) - there was a time when I didn't think I'd ever have kids and many times when they were young that I felt in over my head, but it has been a rewarding experience.
Do you have nieces and nephews? Neighbors kids or kids of friends that you've been able to spend time with?
Honestly, I didn't like kids when I was younger - never babysat, or anything - and never thought I'd have kids. Weird.
Thanks for the reminder, Liz! :))
Oh, Ellen. Sorry I made you panic, sweetie. Guess today's post was about me panicking, too.
I look up at my son and can not believe how tall he's gotten. And you're right ... that low voice. Whiskers. Kills me.
I'm lucky in that he's more of a homebody than my daughter. He's still out and about a good portion of his time with friends - hardly saw him last weekend, for example, but he's okay with hanging with us. We still have many movie nights still ahead of us. Might be Sunday night, but better than nothing!
I am right in the thick of it. My oldest is just on the verge of the teenage years. I know all too soon I will miss the Lego pieces covering every flat surface of my house.
Liz, thanks for the reminder that the book on catapults is due back at the library this week. We survived the science fair, now it's full steam ahead into Little League. Two kids, two different teams which play at two different fields. Part of me wishes the oldest could drive, but then I know I'd never see him.
I do not look forward to the empty nest years. As much as I grumble about the extra laundry and running back and forth to school and practice, I wouldn't trade these years for anything.
Hi Helen, great post!
You’ll do fabulously well in the little box of luxury called the empty nest. There's a special peaceful quality to life's little moments when you don't have to compete for the last of the Cheerios, the only afghan left in the room because all the others have been carried off, or just a moment of quiet the listen to that news story that could greatly influence your next book if you could just get a few more details from Diane Sawyer.
About the chores, not so much of that goes on here.
Here's what’s not in the manual. Your brain changes, the floodgates open, and you can now begin to consider of all those things you’ve kept locked up for years and years as not important-yet.
Then there’s always the alternative…It’s twenty years from now: your children (and their friends), on your couch, with your Doritos and somebody’s idea of a dog.
Deb, that motto works for me, too!
And it's nice to hear that kids can go off to the far corners of the world and still come back home to raise kids. That's one of my biggest worries - that they'll head off and live someplace else. Both of them in different someplace elses, most likely. I'd probably end up spending 6 months with one and 6 months with the other. lol
Yeah, I'll likely get a lot more writing done!
Kristina, I'll never when my son was on traveling bball and my daughter was in competition dance. My dh and I would head different directions every Saturday morning. Yep, those were the days.
As for the toys. I still can't get rid of most of them. My son has moved bedrooms 3 times and all his toys are still in his old closets!! lol
LOL, Mary! Good think I don't like doritos! My chocolate, however, does seem to mysteriously disappear!
Hi Helen!
My kids are still small (1 year and the other 4). Luckily, the grandparents are around quiet a lot and do things with them, so we can have a bit of quiet time now and then. But your post made me realize again how time flies by and how precious the time is when the kids still depend on us so much (even though its's nerve wrecking sometimes :).
Hi Helen! My kids are 10, 6 and 4 right now, so I would kill for a night of quiet, lol! No one crawling in my bed multiple times during the night, and just quiet, lol! Honestly I really do try to treasure it all because it goes by so quickly, but there are some days, lol!
Have a wonderful day!!!
Hi Helen,
If your house gets too quiet, you're welcome to come to mine and baby-sit ;-)
I have a very active and into-everything two year old boy. I'm officially in awe of parents and caretakers that are watching multiple toddlers. I keep trying to remind myself that every stage will have its blessings and challenges.
It's good to remember when I catch him climbing up the windowsill, trying to swallow rocks, excavating my potted plants, and scooping water out of toilet and spreading it out over the floor. I can't think ahead to the empty nest, I'm just looking forward to kindergarten!
But when he smiles or gets the giggles, it all seems worth it.
Hi Claudia - yep, enjoy those special moments because it does fly. Nice that the grandparents are around. That's so good for kids to have that relationship!
Hey, Alina - I do have to admit that one thing I very definitely do not miss is kids waking me up in the middle of the night with the "I don't feel good," or "I had a nightmare." Now it's just the dogs, or cats, or menopause! lol
Hi Jill. Where do you live? Just kidding.
Although ... that 2 year old stage was one of my all-time favorites. Crazy, I know. But we didn't have terrible 2s at my house. It was the 3s that were tough. hehehe.
You're so right about the smiles and giggles. The wet kisses and tiny hugs are great, too!
My saving grace was the relationship my husband and I had. We loved our children but we also loved ourselves as a couple. We devoted a lot of time to our kids but also to our own relationship.
I had learned a lesson from when I was growing up. SEVEN couples in my parents' circle of friends divorced as soon as the kids left home. It was shocking and I never forgot it.
Now we have grandkids under the age of three. Such fun. The nest isn't quite as empty. Nothing like a 2 year old holding out his arms to catch grandma when she comes down the slide!
Our nest has been empty so long....I got back into more reading!!! Time does pass too quickly sometimes!!!
Wow, Julie, that's a lot of divorces within your parents' circle, but I think I've heard that the second biggest time for divorce. Isn't the first supposed to be around that 7 year mark?
Cute visual ... Grandma coming down the slide!
Oh, Jackie, reading! Yes! I will get much more of that done!
Helen, my hubby and I never quite got around to having kids, so we're professional empty nesters, if you will! Here's how we live:
*don't have to look after anyone except for ourselves.
*don't have to have "dinner" sometimes, but instead snack on olives, a good cheese, wine
*go to the movies whenever we like
*spend 8 weeks in Florence in a rented apartment
*sleep ins
*buy a car for two that's about fun not practicality
They're all the most "selfish" aspects of our lives, but they're pretty good fun and I highly recommend them!
Sarah I am very jealous of your life right now! LOL!
We don't have any kids but at one point we had the potential to have 13 as we were named the guardians of four couple's kids.
Right now we enjoy quite a few great nieces and nephews on a regular basis. I get my share of driving in. I drove one great niece to choir for three years minus the two summer months. The kids are old enough not to need a babysitting anymore and I miss that.
When my mom was quite ill my parents moved in with us. I had lots of examples of sibling rivalry in my life but parental rivalry was an unexpected thing. The thing I missed most during the seven months they both lived with us and the five months that my dad lived with us after my mom passed away, was my ability to just take a long relaxing bath with a book.
My sister's 5 kids have long left her nest but she quite often has one or more of her 9 grandkids and or their pets staying at her farm.
The empty nest in her case is often quite full.
Hmmm, empty nest??? My boy (16 1/2 this month) had decided he's staying with us forever. :) I'm sure things will change, but right now,I don't think we'll have an empty nest anytime soon!
Hi Helen,
No empty nest for me yet, I have a 12 year girl, so I have the Middle School and High School years still to go. Still. time is passing by very quickly!
Alina, there's a pro and con to every situation. Whenever I spend time with my nephews and niece I think about the what ifs. And the little boy - Charlie the adorable - who lives next door is playing serious havoc with my hormones. Too, too cute. But that's the way life is, right? There are always choices and outcomes and there's good and bad in every situation.
Helen,
I don't know what I'll do once my youngest moves out. Who's going to program the remote? And update my computers?
Hi Helen--The empty nest was hard in the beginning, but I don't mind it now. It helped that the kids went to school less than 200 miles away and lived together. And it's hard to feel that the nest is empty when the kids call frequently with news to share or for advice on some kind of emergency. I recently troubleshot a plumbing problem over the phone. It was sheer luck on my part, but my kid thinks I'm brilliant. Yay.
Sarah, I'm taking notes!!! lol
Kaelee, that speaks so highly of you and your husband that friends named you two as guardians, but I'm glad the need hasn't arisen. In any case, sounds like you've been busy!
Snookie, with the way the economy is going, he MAY be living with you forever! lol
Tammy, you have some very fun years to look forward to. My kids have both liked high school better than middle school.
Sarah, your book BEST LAID PLANS must've been a tough one to write, then, huh?
There are pros and cons, though, to everything. It'd be nice to live life with absolutely no regrets, but I'm not sure that's possible for any of us.
Rogenna, I hear ya! My son and his buddies are very tech savvy. Me? Not so much.
Jeannie, you ARE brilliant!
Oh my, you've done such a great job of raising bright, caring kids! That step of setting them free must be hard, but from what I see around me, I don't know they ever leave completely. That bond of love and family will always be there.
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